THE FAT AND THE FURIOUS

First of all: Erik Handberg is going to be dead in thirty days. He's going to end up taking an off-label Chinese herbal laxative when I post my weight on day 29 and shit out his skeleton, causing death by extreme lard loss.

With the death of my frenemy basically a given at this point, I feel no qualms about releasing my game plan for ultimate success. I have a couple of basic goals:

1) Google up about 7-8 simple, healthy meals that can be made in advance and frozen easily.

This is extremely basic, thanks to the advent of the internet. In the old days, if you wanted to learn about health food, you could either have a thin, greasy man in a red and white striped suit sell you a wooden crate of "Dr. Samuel Greatman's Weight-Loss Tonic and Hair Oil", or else you could tail a weightlifter to the general store where he would buy 20 pounds of bulghur wheat and a gallon drum of badger grease. Nowadays, you can find out which kind of macrobiotic soy paste is right for you while having Asian deepthroat pornography open in another window. The future: 1; Dr. Samuel Greatman: 0.

2) "Hire" a personal trainer and work out at least 2 times a week.

The reason 'hire' is in quotes is because my trainer volunteered for the job and is getting paid in motivation to restart her old workout routine. That's right: the bet hasn't even been going for an entire day and already someone else has kickstarted their own weight-loss plan because of it. Am I an inspiration? No, of course not. That has to wait until my Newsweek interview comes out. Then I'll write a book called "Destroy All Fatties" and laugh all the way to the bank.

3) Exercise 30 minutes 5 days a week.

I think this goes without saying. "My muscles are soon to be rippling," however, doesn't. So I said it.

4) Eat several teaspoons of extra-light olive oil a day, at least an hour away from any other food consumption.

This is basically the Shangri-La diet, which you can read more about if you want to. Otherwise, feel free to return to your Asian porn.

5) Designate one diet cheat day a week; no junk-food bullshit the other six.

Every Friday I get to go off the diet and sample some of the shitty food that I would otherwise have crammed in my gullet. This is to avoid the 'aw fuck it, this shit sucks' moment most people have when they try and change a habit.

6) Take a multivitamin, fish oil, piracetam, and lecithin daily, missing no more than two doses a week.

That last part is because I'm a forgetful dumbass.

I call this diet "Kill Erik", both because I am going to symbolically 'kill' Erik by winning this bet by a wide margin of weight lost, but also because that is my fallback plan if it looks like he's actually going to pull his dumb, insane scheme off. Either way, Jack Escobar = flawless victory.